A SNARKY NEW YORKER'SRESPONSE TO Jen Doll's 50 Reasons to Be Pretty Damn Euphoric You Live in New York City

50. Sending your laundry out for someone else to wash and dry it is not only convenient, it's just good business. Especially since you will probably never own a washer and dryer. Which means you never have to feel guilty about not doing your own laundry. Next.

Right—it is totally awesome that I will never be able to afford to have my own washer and dryer. I also love that I have to worry about getting bed bugs from a communal washer. Also, do we New Yorkers really believe that laziness is a virtue? Please.

49. Drinking coffee four times a day, every day, isn't the exception, it's the rule.

Um, I thought Seattle had the monopoly on being a coffee-obsessed town.

48. The secret Chick Fil-A at the NYU dining hall.

Not such a secret now, is it?

47. There is always someone crazier than you. ALWAYS.

There is also always someone smarter, wealthier, poorer, better dressed, gayer, straighter, uglier, snarkier, more slovenly etc. There are 7 million people or so in this city, is it any wonder that you will never be the ultimate anything?

46. The view from the Brooklyn Bridge.

Can’t argue with this one.

45. The view of the Brooklyn Bridge.

Even less of an argument here.

44. The epic feeling you get running to catch a train and succeeding...just before the doors close.

Who the hell wants to HAVE TO run to catch a train in the first place?

43. Bored to Death. 30 Rock. SNL. And a million other things that film here and we love. RIP Law and Order.

We got nothing on LA in this department. And why the hell wouldn’t Woody Allen get a nod from the writer here? I mean is any entertainer MORE NYC than Woody? (Jay-Z?)

42. Manhattan-Brooklyn/Brooklyn-Manhattan wars never cease to entertain. Nor do hipster-Hasid wars. Or hipsters in general.

Eh. I can’t actually remember the last time a hipster entertained me.

41. We get the inside jokes. Because, actually, we made them up in the first place.

Are hipsters actually telling these alleged inside jokes? Maybe I will have to revoke my response to number 42?

40. That horrified look on our parents' friends' faces when we tell them we live in "Hell's Kitchen."

Your parent’s friends are lame.

39. Sure, we work out next to Alec Baldwin, Padma Lakshmi, and Bridget Moynahan, and walk the streets with Willem Dafoe, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Tina Fey, but, really, we're kinda too busy with our own lives to notice.

Bullshit. I’ve seen crowds of New Yorkers (not tourist) nearly pull these very celebrities limb from limb in order to get a picture to hang in their pathetically-small, over-priced apartments.

38. Drinking is like breathing. Or slightly more acceptable.

I like drinking.

37. Because it's not enough to just love New York. New York needs to love you back, too. Hey, we have high standards.

New York doesn’t love you back. New York is a cruel mistress that makes you endlessly spend money on her just to get fucked in the end.

36. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, there is someone who will bring it to you for a price, which may or may not be negotiable. (Or legal.)

I do love various delivery services.

35. By the time the rest of the nation has bedbugs, we'll have figured out how to get rid of them. In the meantime, we'll mock them by dressing our dogs up as bedbugs for Halloween. Laugh in the face of fear, New Yorker!

Bullshit. The chances of us figuring out how to get rid of bed bugs is only slightly higher than the chances of us learning how to clone Brooklyn Decker, so every man in New York can have his very own super-model.

34. There are almost 200 bars in the East Village alone.

There are almost 200 frat-boy assholes in each one.

33. There's no shortage of stupid rich people to make fun of.

See number 47.

32. The endless delights of the New York Post.

I prefer the Times.

31. You don't even need a passport, or a license, to partake in goat-eyeball tacos.

Right, who doesn’t love goat-eyeball tacos?!!

30. The fact that one-bedroom apartments cost an average minimum of a half-million dollars means we think nothing of spending $12 on lunch.

OK, we get it, everything here is expensive. Remind me again why this is desirable?!!.

29. Restaurants are as common as single men and women. And equally diverse. And you never have to see either of them again after the initial awkward encounter.

And, who doesn’t want a city full of awkward encounters followed by isolation, really?

28. The omnipresent opportunity to Gaga-ify yourself. And the chance that it will seem, just, normal.

The fact that "Gaga" is being used as a verb here terrifies me.

27. Runnin' Scared lives here! (And so does the Village Voice.)

What is "Runnin’ Scared"?

26. Smart people are the norm, not the exception. (Which doesn't mean they're sane, but at least no one's boring.)

Um, clearly the author has never spent any time in any city government offices.

25. Except in select 'hoods like Park Slope and perhaps the Upper West Side, children are viewed as mysterious beings, rarely sighted and only occasionally understood, like pixies or magical small butlers. Until they scream, in which case, they are banished from the palace.

Who hates children? New Yorkers do! Cool!

24. When you fly back into the city after a vacation or business trip, no matter how long you've lived here, you get that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling.

You also get bumper-to-bumper traffic in a cramped, smelly taxi.

23. Efficiency in a drugstore checkout line.

Exactly. You get to over-pay for your necessities, but you know, quickly.

22. How easy it is to find doughnuts, pizza, Chinese food, or any other snack your drunken self desires at 4 a.m. Or to continue to drink. Responsibly!

I got nothing here. I like drunken munchies as much if not more than the next guy.

21. Broadway. Museums. CULTCH-AH. Even if you never actually go to see anything (though you should, at least once).

If you never actually go to see anything you should get the fuck out of this city. What are you over-paying for?

20. Yelling "fuck" is just a mild obscenity.

I like the word “fuck” –see above.

19. There's no shame in sticking your fingers in your ears like an anal weirdo when an ambulance goes by screeching.

Yes there is. Those people are weird.

18. Summer concerts at the Williamsburg Waterfront.

OK, this one’s cool.

17. So many Missed Connections, so little time.

I particularly enjoy the missed connections with any semblance of civility that these city streets offer.

16. Other places have dog and cat people. We have ferret people.

Yeah, who doesn’t love ferret people?? They are right up there with aluminum can hoarding street people.

15. The splendor of the Union Square Greenmarket.

Touché author, touché.

14. A bagel with cream cheese and lox from Russ and Daughters.

At 10.95 this may be the only true bargain left in NYC.

13. There is an insane Korean day spa (Spa Castle) waiting for you in Flushing. And Russian and Turkish baths in the East Village.

Nothing says cool like wrinkled, sweat-covered asses in the east village.

12. One of our bars has 100-year-old urinals.

Old urinals! COOOOOOOL!

11. Complain about the MTA, but you can get anywhere in the city for just $2.25. Or $2.50 single ride, come 2011. Still pretty damn cheap.

Fine….but how long would it take you to get from Green Point to Washington Heights on a Tuesday at Rush Hour and how many homeless, crazies would you have to step over? Also, how many street-hawking DVD salesman and kids selling candy would you have to ignore? You get what you pay for.

10. Subway rage. Bike-lane rage. Walking rage. Random rage. These are our therapy. Although we all go to therapy, too. No judgments! We bitch, therefore we are.

YAY, Rage—that is right up there with" Old urinals".

9. Jaywalking is an art form.

This is exactly why it SUCKS to drive in this city.

8. The free Ikea ferry to Red Hook on weekends! Plus, Red Hook in general. Can you say "Lobster pound"?

I’ve never been because, like almost everyone else who lives in Manhattan, I wouldn’t be caught dead in Brooklyn. But I have no problem in principle.

7. Subway "prewalking," in which you walk to the exact right spot on the platform to board the train car that will save you the most time upon exit, exists and has a name. Gotta respect.

Is this really that author’s seventh best reason to be “euphoric” about this city? Prewalking?

6. You can be alone, but never feel lonely. And vice versa. But if you die and aren't found until a year later, you won't be the first.

Decomposing corpses and loneliness. That should be the City’s new motto. Are you starting to feel euphoric yet?

5. We are, as a group, anti-fanny-pack as much as we are pro-gay-marriage. Hetero marriage, on the other hand, we can pretty much take or leave.

I hate fanny-packs as much as I love my wife and I am hetero. There are more than a few of us. We are the happy people walking around, more often than not, with those kids you apparently hate.

4. 35 is the new 26. Or is it 45? Whatever, age ain't nuthin' but a number, and as long as you're younger than your IQ score, no harm, no foul.

I don’t think anyone who writes “ain’t nuthin” in a sentence should mention IQ in that same sentence. Sorry.

3. Finding your "local" is that much better here.

Right, we New Yorker's have a monopoly on “local”.

2. There is absolutely no reason to ever drink and drive. Added bonus: Spontaneous, fascinating conversations with cab drivers.

Truer words have never been written!

1. If you can make it here, you really can make it anywhere. But why would you bother to go anywhere else?

Please see above. In toto. (But don't fret, NY, I LOVE YOU)

The Who, What, When, Where and Why of NJ Lawyer's food obsessions

The first sweltering love affair that I ever caressed, fumbled and lusted my way through involved twelve briny little neck clams and a smoky ration of chorizo so intensely crimson it was damn near pornographic. The final piece de resistance of this culinary ménage a trois was a portion of crusty Portuguese bread which I urgently tore and tore again, each time dunking it deep in the pool of liquid love that shellfish and sausage so easily make. From that balmy brine-filled summer evening where my culinary inferno was first incited to my present-day nearly fanatical infatuation with all things gustatory, my first great love has always been gastronomy and its many temples which adorn this great city.


My day job as a litigator (formerly a journalism major) principally acts as an enabler, urging me to sign my paycheck over to the likes of Chang, Bloomfield and Burrell on a weekly basis. I find myself planning vacations with Bon Appetit replacing Frommer’s as my guide. My wife has been known to elbow me in the ribs as she catches me lustfully admiring a particularly beautifully- deformed heirloom tomato at the farmer’s market or when she catches me surfing my favorite internet porn (read: Grub Street).


Don’t get me wrong; it’s not all foie gras fantasy and celebrity chef -envy for me. I am a fierce critic of the ­­­ridiculous culinary trends I seem to see more and more these days. My friends and colleagues get tired of hearing me explain exactly how much I abhor the ubiquitously tasteless summer truffles that inexplicably titivate menus from the Bowery to the Bronx from May through August. I equally hate the city’s newfound obsession with improperly prepared, soft squishy and sad soba noodles that are so suddenly de rigueur in New York that it seems that the City has collectively forgotten that these scrumptious noodles have been steeped in tsuyu across the Pacific since before 795 A.D. And, don’t even get me started on the multitude of bistros and bar rooms which underhandedly advertise Wagyu as Kobe (Kobe Sliders, nonetheless—as if!)


While, I love a fancy-pants meal as much (OK, actually a lot more) as the next guy, that doesn’t mean that I don’t know my way around a halal vendor, burger bar or gastro pub. I am personally partial to Big Nicks on the Upper West side, where I can satisfy at least two of the three aforementioned fixations. If only big Nicks had an understated yet trendy interior and served a Belgium duvel in a suitable glass, I might have been able to go three for three.


Ultimately, however, I am just a guy who likes to eat, a guy who’s never shy about his opinion. I’m a foodie’s foodie with a big appetite and a big mouth. I know what I like and what I don’t. And, now you, dear readers, for better or worse, know my predilections, preferences and food perversions, too.

Frickin' Laser Beams

Today's New Jersey papers are running a story touting Linden New Jersey Police Department's acquisition of their new Laser guns, also called LIDAR (light detection and ranging) which they will use as a tool to clock speeding drivers. You can read the full article here :

http://www.nj.com/news/local/index.ssf/2009/03/linden_cops_have_new_gun_in_fi.html

So what's the deal with these laser radar speed things anyway? If I get clocked by a laser will it stand up in court? Well the answer is not so simple.

Speed readings by the leading laser detection systems are generally admissible in a speeding prosecution without the need for the state to introduce expert testimony. However, if when you were clocked there was snow or even heavy rain falling and the officer was more than 1,000 feet away, it is much more difficult for the state to prove its case. In fact, they will need to bring in an expert witness to prove the machine functioned properly.

Also, it is incumbent upon the state to prove that the officer who was operating the laser gun preformed all of the procedures recommended by the device's manufacturer before using the gun to check your speed.

If you have been clocked by the LTI Marksman 20-20 Laser Speed Detection System you should contact an attorney or if you received another New Jersey Speeding Ticket ,you should contact an attorney to learn your rights and see if this frickin' laser beam will be able to stand up in court.

Please check out our site http://www.njdamages.com/ for more information on fighting and beating your speeding tickets.

Stupid sexy, speeding tickets.

I just got a traffic ticket, NOW WHAT?

Receiving a traffic ticket in New Jersey can be upsetting for so many reasons. First of all, you may not know what to expect. Your mind races with tons of questions like: Can I fight this ticket? Will this cost me a small fortune? Will my insurance premiums go up? Can I go to Jail? What is the cost of a speeding ticket? Do I need a Law firm or lawyer to represent me? Am I going to lose my license? Can I beat this ticket? Can I avoid traffic fines? Will I get points on my driver history record? To answer these complex questions is precisely why you want to hire a New Jersey Traffic Ticket Lawyer to guide you through what can be a difficult and unfamiliar process. .

BUT, can a Lawyer really beat my ticket?

Yes, but it depends what you mean by "beat." I have successfully had tickets dismissed outright, but more often I am able to negotiate with the prosecutor to have your charges amended to an offense with either a lower fine or fewer points, or both.

Want more information? Check www.njdamages.com

What are "points anyway"?

The New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commission tracks your driving record by using a points system. Think of it as a report card for drivers. However,unlike a school report card, bad marks, or excessive points on your driving record, can cost you money. Each specific violation has its own point value. If you get six points on your record within three years you will be assessed a surcharge by the Motor Vehicle Commission. If you receive twelve points, your license will be suspended. Also, points may seriously increase your insurance rates. If you want to see how many points you would be charged with if convicted, click Here.

For more information about beating your New Jersey Ticket, check out http://www.njdamages.com/about_firm.html Or if you just want to see our rates, check out http://www.njdamages.com/experience.html.

Dog bites, bite!

Dog bites, bite!

First let me say this: I am a dog lover. I have been a proud dog owner since I was a young boy and there are few things in life that give me more satisfaction than hanging with the pups in the dog park or taking Fido for a long walk on the beach. The undying and unwavering affection of a dog brightens many people's days, my own included.

However, not all dogs are well behaved all of the time. And, sometimes even good dogs turn bad at the drop of the hat.

That is why I love, love, love the New Jersey Dog Bite Statute . Unlike many other states, New Jersey holds dog owners accountable when their dog bites someone, regardless of whether the dog had ever been vicious before.

To me, this just makes sense. Even if Fido, is a great dog and is super affectionate, at the moment he bites someone they don't care how well behaved Fido normally is. The simple matter of fact is that Fido bit them and they have injuries as a result. I will not waste your time recounting the severe and permanent injuries that I have seen result from dog bites. Suffice to say, they run the gamut from a simple scratch to permanent facial scarring with blindness. In many other states, if the dog that bit you never bit anyone else, the owner is immune from liability despite the fact that you might have permanent pain and scarring the rest of your life.

The N.J. legislature really hit the nail on the head when they passed this statute. Why should an injured person have to prove that a dog had some "vicious propensity" prior to being able to sue for damages? Shouldn't the fact that the victim's current injuries came through no fault of their own, be sufficient to impose liability on the dog owner? Why should an innocent victim be left without remedy just because it was the dog's first time acting out? Imagine if we applied that reasoning to humans?!! Would we really pass a law that allows everyone to get one free assault before they can be sued civilly?

Mind you, just because Fido acted out once, it doesn't mean he is a bad dog and it certainly doesn't mean that he should be put down. However, his owners are still accountable under New Jersey law for his actions no matter if he had ever bitten someone before. I think that takes some of the sting out of the bite.

Soft Tissue Terrors

Soft tissue damage hurts! It hurts like hell. Trust me, I know.

A few weeks ago, I took a colossal fall and jammed my shoulder into the ground (hold your laughter, this happens often, NJ Lawyer is a Klutz) . Thankfully, I did not break anything but I had "soft tissue damage" to my shoulder. As a result, I have daily aching and sharp pains all over my shoulder. I am constantly aware of my injury and can barely lift my arm over my head without wincing in pain. Sometimes it feels like there is a sharp electric current violently pushing its way through my shoulder. OUCH!

For those non-Md's reading this, soft tissue damage is any damage to muscles, tendons or ligaments. So for example, a torn ligament is considered soft tissue damage and was certainly serious enough to keep a rough and tough NFL player sidelined for a season. See for e.g Tom Brady. OK, he's not so rough and tough but you get my point.

I am not just relaying this information for anecdotal purposes however and NJ Lawyer is certainly not suing anybody for my fall (remember, I am a klutz?!!). However, my injury really got me thinking about those poor souls who are unlikely to collect damages under New Jersey law (or sister states with similar laws) when they get into an auto accident because most insurance companies refuse to settle with those victims who only have soft tissue damage.

For my out of state readers, or those who don't quite keep up on New Jersey automotive law, let me try to explain. In New Jersey there are two types of Auto Insurance available to the public and which type one chooses determines their ability to sue for and recover damages for pain and suffering at trial.

New Jersey's basic insurance policy, which most NJ citizens purchase, imposes a “verbal threshold” or “lawsuit limitation.” Under this policy, suits for pain and suffering are prohibited unless an injury results in :

Death;
Dismemberment;
Significant disfigurement or significant scarring;
Loss of a fetus;
Displaced fractures; or
A permanent injury within a reasonable degree of medical probability. An injury is considered permanent when the body part or organ, or both, has not healed to function normally and will not heal to function normally with further medical treatment. N.J.S.A. 39:6A-8.

The caselaw has almost uniformly excluded those victims with soft tissue damages from being able to recover under the basic auto policy and the trend seems to be worsening with each reported decision. Thus, the insurance companies are becoming less and less likely to settle with otherwise injured victims.

So what's my point? Simple: That soft tissue damage can and often is excruciating and the maddening pain can last weeks, months or years even if its not considered permanent. It can even sideline NFL greats. Most people hear the term soft tissue damage to be synonymous with malingering and most times nothing could be further from the truth. The fact that it has become so hard for an injured party to recover damages related to this pain and suffering is unconscienable and inequitable and only serves the insurance companies' finacial interests.

To those who think that this is a good way to weed out those who are "faking " their injuries, I submit that cross examination of the treating Dr. and the victim, coupled with an independent medical examination would be a more appropriate way of arriving at the truth than summarily dismissing thousands of people's claims who are walking around in excruciating and constant pain.

OK, I'm done. I'm off to ice my aching shoulder.

You Get What You Pay For

In a world with so much business antagonism and where companies are more than eager to undercut their competition, it is becoming increasingly significant to remember the age old maxim that “you get what you pay for” or its corollary: “if you pay peanuts, you get monkeys”.

Recently on twitter.com I posed the question whether there were” any opinions on the best way to explain to a potential client the benefits of having an attorney form their LLC versus an online service?” (by the way if you are not following me on twitter, here is a link to my profile: http://twitter.com/NJLawyer) . Plenty of people tweeted answers to my query but I noticed the same theme running through each of them: that having real live human interaction is worth the extra money.

Why? Why is a real live human worth the money?

First, a human is able to respond to your specific questions as they relate to your company. You are not referred to a one-size-fits-all FAQ page and left to sink or swim. An attorney can explain the tax nuances and business strategy as it relates to your business. An attorney can also help draft an operating agreement tailored to your specific needs instead of leaving you with a generic boilerplate agreement that may or may not be best for your company.

Second, Most online services do not even have actual attorneys review their filings. At least one attorney indicated that she had to undo what one of these online services did. By that time her client likely paid twice the amount she would have if she had just hired an attorney to handle the formation initially and she would have been up and running in half the time.

Third, accountability. If you are dissatisfied with an online service’s performance what remedies do you have available to you? Perhaps you could call and complain to their customer service representative in Mumbai or even file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau. However, a competent attorney on the other hand, when faced with a complaint from a real client sitting across his desk should do his best to fairly and reasonably compensate you. It is much harder to ignore someone’s complaints if they are making eye contact with you.

Additionally, think of it as investment in your business and what could be the beginning of a wonderful business relationship. The few extra dollars you spend using a real attorney to form your corporate entity might be paid back in turn when the attorney makes an additional recommendation towards your fledgling company or emails you a relevant article two weeks later concerning your business issue. See if legal zoom will do that.