A SNARKY NEW YORKER'SRESPONSE TO Jen Doll's 50 Reasons to Be Pretty Damn Euphoric You Live in New York City

50. Sending your laundry out for someone else to wash and dry it is not only convenient, it's just good business. Especially since you will probably never own a washer and dryer. Which means you never have to feel guilty about not doing your own laundry. Next.

Right—it is totally awesome that I will never be able to afford to have my own washer and dryer. I also love that I have to worry about getting bed bugs from a communal washer. Also, do we New Yorkers really believe that laziness is a virtue? Please.

49. Drinking coffee four times a day, every day, isn't the exception, it's the rule.

Um, I thought Seattle had the monopoly on being a coffee-obsessed town.

48. The secret Chick Fil-A at the NYU dining hall.

Not such a secret now, is it?

47. There is always someone crazier than you. ALWAYS.

There is also always someone smarter, wealthier, poorer, better dressed, gayer, straighter, uglier, snarkier, more slovenly etc. There are 7 million people or so in this city, is it any wonder that you will never be the ultimate anything?

46. The view from the Brooklyn Bridge.

Can’t argue with this one.

45. The view of the Brooklyn Bridge.

Even less of an argument here.

44. The epic feeling you get running to catch a train and succeeding...just before the doors close.

Who the hell wants to HAVE TO run to catch a train in the first place?

43. Bored to Death. 30 Rock. SNL. And a million other things that film here and we love. RIP Law and Order.

We got nothing on LA in this department. And why the hell wouldn’t Woody Allen get a nod from the writer here? I mean is any entertainer MORE NYC than Woody? (Jay-Z?)

42. Manhattan-Brooklyn/Brooklyn-Manhattan wars never cease to entertain. Nor do hipster-Hasid wars. Or hipsters in general.

Eh. I can’t actually remember the last time a hipster entertained me.

41. We get the inside jokes. Because, actually, we made them up in the first place.

Are hipsters actually telling these alleged inside jokes? Maybe I will have to revoke my response to number 42?

40. That horrified look on our parents' friends' faces when we tell them we live in "Hell's Kitchen."

Your parent’s friends are lame.

39. Sure, we work out next to Alec Baldwin, Padma Lakshmi, and Bridget Moynahan, and walk the streets with Willem Dafoe, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Tina Fey, but, really, we're kinda too busy with our own lives to notice.

Bullshit. I’ve seen crowds of New Yorkers (not tourist) nearly pull these very celebrities limb from limb in order to get a picture to hang in their pathetically-small, over-priced apartments.

38. Drinking is like breathing. Or slightly more acceptable.

I like drinking.

37. Because it's not enough to just love New York. New York needs to love you back, too. Hey, we have high standards.

New York doesn’t love you back. New York is a cruel mistress that makes you endlessly spend money on her just to get fucked in the end.

36. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, there is someone who will bring it to you for a price, which may or may not be negotiable. (Or legal.)

I do love various delivery services.

35. By the time the rest of the nation has bedbugs, we'll have figured out how to get rid of them. In the meantime, we'll mock them by dressing our dogs up as bedbugs for Halloween. Laugh in the face of fear, New Yorker!

Bullshit. The chances of us figuring out how to get rid of bed bugs is only slightly higher than the chances of us learning how to clone Brooklyn Decker, so every man in New York can have his very own super-model.

34. There are almost 200 bars in the East Village alone.

There are almost 200 frat-boy assholes in each one.

33. There's no shortage of stupid rich people to make fun of.

See number 47.

32. The endless delights of the New York Post.

I prefer the Times.

31. You don't even need a passport, or a license, to partake in goat-eyeball tacos.

Right, who doesn’t love goat-eyeball tacos?!!

30. The fact that one-bedroom apartments cost an average minimum of a half-million dollars means we think nothing of spending $12 on lunch.

OK, we get it, everything here is expensive. Remind me again why this is desirable?!!.

29. Restaurants are as common as single men and women. And equally diverse. And you never have to see either of them again after the initial awkward encounter.

And, who doesn’t want a city full of awkward encounters followed by isolation, really?

28. The omnipresent opportunity to Gaga-ify yourself. And the chance that it will seem, just, normal.

The fact that "Gaga" is being used as a verb here terrifies me.

27. Runnin' Scared lives here! (And so does the Village Voice.)

What is "Runnin’ Scared"?

26. Smart people are the norm, not the exception. (Which doesn't mean they're sane, but at least no one's boring.)

Um, clearly the author has never spent any time in any city government offices.

25. Except in select 'hoods like Park Slope and perhaps the Upper West Side, children are viewed as mysterious beings, rarely sighted and only occasionally understood, like pixies or magical small butlers. Until they scream, in which case, they are banished from the palace.

Who hates children? New Yorkers do! Cool!

24. When you fly back into the city after a vacation or business trip, no matter how long you've lived here, you get that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling.

You also get bumper-to-bumper traffic in a cramped, smelly taxi.

23. Efficiency in a drugstore checkout line.

Exactly. You get to over-pay for your necessities, but you know, quickly.

22. How easy it is to find doughnuts, pizza, Chinese food, or any other snack your drunken self desires at 4 a.m. Or to continue to drink. Responsibly!

I got nothing here. I like drunken munchies as much if not more than the next guy.

21. Broadway. Museums. CULTCH-AH. Even if you never actually go to see anything (though you should, at least once).

If you never actually go to see anything you should get the fuck out of this city. What are you over-paying for?

20. Yelling "fuck" is just a mild obscenity.

I like the word “fuck” –see above.

19. There's no shame in sticking your fingers in your ears like an anal weirdo when an ambulance goes by screeching.

Yes there is. Those people are weird.

18. Summer concerts at the Williamsburg Waterfront.

OK, this one’s cool.

17. So many Missed Connections, so little time.

I particularly enjoy the missed connections with any semblance of civility that these city streets offer.

16. Other places have dog and cat people. We have ferret people.

Yeah, who doesn’t love ferret people?? They are right up there with aluminum can hoarding street people.

15. The splendor of the Union Square Greenmarket.

Touché author, touché.

14. A bagel with cream cheese and lox from Russ and Daughters.

At 10.95 this may be the only true bargain left in NYC.

13. There is an insane Korean day spa (Spa Castle) waiting for you in Flushing. And Russian and Turkish baths in the East Village.

Nothing says cool like wrinkled, sweat-covered asses in the east village.

12. One of our bars has 100-year-old urinals.

Old urinals! COOOOOOOL!

11. Complain about the MTA, but you can get anywhere in the city for just $2.25. Or $2.50 single ride, come 2011. Still pretty damn cheap.

Fine….but how long would it take you to get from Green Point to Washington Heights on a Tuesday at Rush Hour and how many homeless, crazies would you have to step over? Also, how many street-hawking DVD salesman and kids selling candy would you have to ignore? You get what you pay for.

10. Subway rage. Bike-lane rage. Walking rage. Random rage. These are our therapy. Although we all go to therapy, too. No judgments! We bitch, therefore we are.

YAY, Rage—that is right up there with" Old urinals".

9. Jaywalking is an art form.

This is exactly why it SUCKS to drive in this city.

8. The free Ikea ferry to Red Hook on weekends! Plus, Red Hook in general. Can you say "Lobster pound"?

I’ve never been because, like almost everyone else who lives in Manhattan, I wouldn’t be caught dead in Brooklyn. But I have no problem in principle.

7. Subway "prewalking," in which you walk to the exact right spot on the platform to board the train car that will save you the most time upon exit, exists and has a name. Gotta respect.

Is this really that author’s seventh best reason to be “euphoric” about this city? Prewalking?

6. You can be alone, but never feel lonely. And vice versa. But if you die and aren't found until a year later, you won't be the first.

Decomposing corpses and loneliness. That should be the City’s new motto. Are you starting to feel euphoric yet?

5. We are, as a group, anti-fanny-pack as much as we are pro-gay-marriage. Hetero marriage, on the other hand, we can pretty much take or leave.

I hate fanny-packs as much as I love my wife and I am hetero. There are more than a few of us. We are the happy people walking around, more often than not, with those kids you apparently hate.

4. 35 is the new 26. Or is it 45? Whatever, age ain't nuthin' but a number, and as long as you're younger than your IQ score, no harm, no foul.

I don’t think anyone who writes “ain’t nuthin” in a sentence should mention IQ in that same sentence. Sorry.

3. Finding your "local" is that much better here.

Right, we New Yorker's have a monopoly on “local”.

2. There is absolutely no reason to ever drink and drive. Added bonus: Spontaneous, fascinating conversations with cab drivers.

Truer words have never been written!

1. If you can make it here, you really can make it anywhere. But why would you bother to go anywhere else?

Please see above. In toto. (But don't fret, NY, I LOVE YOU)